The Pettifer's Down Under: Looking after your beaver?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Looking after your beaver?

I feel I have a duty to let you know about a series of adverts that are currently showing on tv over here for Kotex. As you will know from previous entries, the Australians are not afraid to call a spade a spade, and the media is happy to talk about all sorts of subjects and also use all sorts of words that just wouldn't be acceptable in the UK. But this one is so hilariously awful it has to be shared.

The first ad showed and attractive young woman out on the town, on the beach and out for lunch with her very good friend, a beaver. You watch the ad with no clue of what it is for, but with a slightly uncomfortable feeling. Then - just as you feared - at lunch the girl slides a gift across the table to the beaver which turns out to be tampons, with the tag line

'You've only got one (beaver presumably) so you better look after it'.

To be fair, there have been a number of complaints to the advertising standards board, but it seems that they are happy with everything, and the commercial is still being aired.

But now they have gone one further.

Today I have seen a new ad - a luxurious bathroom, soft sexy music and the camera pans round to a beaver. Who has just got out the bath. And is drying himself with....A SANITARY TOWEL.

It's not exactly Saatchi and Saatchi is it?

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Odd things about Australia

Australians love beetroot, and as a result it pops up in all sorts of unexpected places. Although I am generally a fan of the bright red stuff, I am not too happy about their insistence that it has a right and proper place in a hamburger.
Houses in Sydney and further north don't have airing cupboards. This is not because they don't need them - actually it is quite damp and humid and I really miss mine. The reason is that hot water tanks are usually outside of the house. And on the subject of water tanks, Australian houses take all their water straight off the main, not having a cold water tank. This means you can drink water from any tap in your house. Andrew tells me (and this is the sort of thing he knows about) that having a cold water tank in your loft is largely a quirky English convention.
If you have any sort of job in Australia, you are legally obliged to contribute to a superannuation fund. Good idea eh? Also, if you are over 18, you are legally obliged to vote. Another great Aussie idea.
Animals found in our swimming pool. One frog (initially alive, but after some loving from Anna - dead). One blue tongued lizard. Three bandicoots - two dead, and one swimming hard until rescued. Not too much love from Anna meant that later he could be released into the bush. One bushy tailed possum (dead). I'm beginning to worry that our pool is becoming the wildlife equivalent of Beachy Head.
They call 'playrooms' rumpus rooms. Very apt I think.
When you buy clothes in Australia, you don't get to keep the hanger. I think that's a bit tight.
On Public Holidays, driving offences carry double demerits - so if you are caught speeding you will get 6 instead of 3 points on your licence. There are extra police patrolling, plus speed traps and random breath testing. This weekend they have been advertising that if you carry a passenger over the Public Holiday who is not wearing a seat belt, you will lose your licence. Are you listening Nugs?
Aboriginals in Australia have a life expectancy of 20 years less than the general populace of the country. I think that is an absolute disgrace for a first world country.
Australian cats must be very clever. We have seen a number of signs on fences and gates saying 'Cats prohibited - Keep Out' . I'm confused. How do signs for cats work? Do Aussie cats read?
You can't buy alcohol in supermarkets here, so must have an off licence next door. However, you can also buy alcohol at big drive through stores. I think this must be due to the very large quantities people seem to buy here!
Having been constantly de-lousing the children in the UK to no avail, they have been pleasantly nit free since we have been here. If you have nits here, you are not allowed to go to school, and you have to inform the school that your child is infested with the little buggers. This tough approach does seem to work. However....for the first time I have had to worm the children. When I asked another parent about this after the first horrifying encounter with the squirmy little things, I was told I should just do it as a routine - every six months. Yuk.
The Aussies are very preoccupied with body hair, particularly in your Lady Garden (hehehehehehe). I suppose they have more reason to be than us Brits, being as they spend so very much more time wearing things that could potentially reveal the ultimate shame. But they seem to be rather more upfront about it than we are back home. There is a beautician's down the road from here with a very large sign in the window telling us 'Not to beat about the bush - get a brazilian today for $50!'. And on the radio the other day an advert exorted us to go out quick and 'get all the hair removed from your cha cha'. Cue another interesting chat with the children in the car....
For a nation famed for its BBQ's the aussies are not very good at sausages (or snags as I believe they call them here). Most sausages are made with beef or chicken, not pork, and I can tell you that after trying a chicken sausage, I am able to report with some authority that chicken has no business being in a sausage. Eurgh.
The price of petrol here is cyclical - with the cycle only covering a week at a time. This means that the cheapest day of the week to fill up is Tuesday, and the locals queue at the petrol stations to do so. The most expensive day is Friday - or it might be the other way around. Petrol just seems so cheap, at about $1.29 per litre (51p a litre!) that I just fill up when I need to and when there isn't a queue!
This has been bothering me for a while and I keep forgetting to put it on here. But has anyone else noticed that seminal Ozzie song Waltzing Matilda (as sung by Rod Stewart) is not in 3 time, but 4 time, and therefore it would be impossible to waltz to it? It's so wrong.
Australians like doing things early in the morning. Got a child who wants to join the school band? Just get them to rehearsals at 7.45am. Child wants to play tennis? Just turn up at the school courts at 7.30am for a knock about. Are they insane?? Do they not know what gargantuan efforts of parenting are required just to get my children to school by 8.30am? And even then sometimes they are having a liquid breakfast of 'Up and Go' (nutritionally suspect drink purchased only by Bad Mothers) in the car on the way...
You can overtake on the inside here. I find this very disconcerting and I am sure that eventually I will have a crash with someone who is passing me in this way...course most people know that you don't really have to try this hard to get me to crash into you
I've discovered that a router - as in the wireless router for my computer - cannot be pronounced 'rooter' as we are inclined to do, without a lot of smirking. Far safer to do as the Australians do and call it a 'rowter'.
The English eat cheese traditionally after dessert. The French eat it after the main course and before dessert. The Australians eat cheese with their aperitifs. Not good for those of us who love cheese, as there is the distinct possibility that there won't be any room left for the meal!
The Australians, or at least Sydney-siders, are obsessed with coffee. I've narrowed my favourite version down to a 'skinny decaf latte'. Lol...
The collective Australian term for linen, as in bedlinen, towels etc is 'Manchester'
They call apartments and flats 'units' which is a bit, well, utilitarian. By contrast they romanticise bungalows by calling them 'villas'
They call crisps 'chips'. They call chips 'hot chips'. They call fish and chips 'fish and chips'. Go figure...
They call Petit Filous 'Petit Miam'
They have a public holiday to celebrate the Queen's birthday ( very very odd )
Terrestrial Australian TV is tragic
They can swear on the radio. Not bad swearing, but so far I've heard 'pissed', 'bastard' and 'shit'
The price of petrol here is cyclical - with the cycle only covering a week at a time. This means that the cheapest day of the week to fill up is Tuesday, and the locals queue at the petrol stations to do so. The most expensive day is Friday - or it might be the other way around. Petrol just seems so cheap, at about $1.29 per litre (51p a litre!) that I just fill up when I need to and when there isn't a queue!
You can't buy alcohol in supermarkets here, so must have an off licence next door. However, you can also buy alcohol at big drive through stores. I think this must be due to the very large quantities people seem to buy here!